What do you think of my story so far?
Question by Why not? I’m Lexi! ?: What do you think of my story so far?
I’m 11 and this is my first chapter of my story. thank you!
“What is this place?” I exclaimed, landing on the soft carpeted floor.
“I think it’s a house, but why is it our size? Its so…small.” Trixie said, her ruby red wings slowing down as she gently landed on the ground next to me. (We’re about four inches tall, one of the things so charming about us faries.)
“I don’t care what it is, I am SO tired! ” Heidi said, landing and blowing a strand of blonde hair out of her face.
“You do whatever you want, I’M going to explore!” I exclaimed.
“Me too. ” Trixie agreed. “You take upstairs”, I take downstairs. ” I said.
“Heid, you wanna take this floor?” I asked her. “Ok, I guess. ” she said, getting up off the small blue loveseat. I ran down the little wooden stairs.
“Ariana, you have wings. Why are you walking?” Heidi asked.
“Technically I’m running. ” I told her, walking farther down the steps. It was a bedroom, obviously meant for a girly-girl, because everything was pink and butterfly-ey. The bed had was a light pink, and the matching pillow had a fusha and hot pink butterfly sown on it. The tiny pine wardrobe had a few outfit in it, including a hot pink ruffly shirt, a jean skirt, a pretty lavender short dress thingie that you’re apperantly supposed to wear tights with, and a T-shirt that had two bunnies saying “you are cuter than carrots”, which I stared at, trying to figure out how exactly that made sense. The room had little pictures of butterflies around it and some teeny fake lilys in a hot pink vase. This room was starting to make me sick, too girly, and being a girl, I have nothing against that, but it was too much. This room could be Heidi’s, at least while we’re still staying here. I walked into the next room, which was probably supposed to be for a boy, because it was all sports, but Trixie would just adore it. The bed’s comforter had a pattern of soccer balls, footballs, and basketballs. A small plastic basketballhoop hung in the corner above a soft plush basketball, and a baseball beanbag was against the wall, which was painted to look like a baseball feild. The cabinet had a football helmet at the bottom, along with a basketball uniform, a pair of jeans, and a plain white tee. It really was amazing that a human had taken time to make such tiny clothes. I walked into the next room, which was like a big game. The bed was painted gold to look like a Monopoly piece, and the walls were painted to look like a game board. This room was perfect. A pile of mini board games and a pair of little dice sat in the corner, and the dresser held a checked tee, a bright yellow Tweety shirt, a black skirt, and some jean shorts. The next door was cream colored, and had a big bed with brown shhets and pillows, and the dresser had a tuxedo and a fancy red dress. The next doorway held the staircase again. I walked up, to see Heidi sitting on the couch.
“This is definatly the perfect place”. I said.
“I like this place, exept that the kitchen doesn’t have real food. But the couches are sooo comfy, and the chan-” she was cut off by Trixie, who came running down the stairs screaming.
“There are our-size people up there!” she gasped, looking worried. I slowly started to walk up, Heidi close behind, and Trixie squeezing my hand. I walked into the first room, which was a bathroom. I walked into the next room, which were filled with fake plants that had been sprayed with purfume. I walked to the next room, which was emty, exept for 5 our-size humans who sat, staring at us. I gasped, but they just sat still. I walked up to them and gently lifted up up the boy. He was light and, to my surprise, made of material.
“Dolls.” I whispered. “So this is a dollhouse.” Just that moment, a door opened. Not in the dollhouse, but in the room it was in. A blonde human walked girl walked in, and I screamed.
I’ve posted this before and gotten complaints about not starting a new paragraph every time someone speaks. So here it is, newly paragraphed. How is it? I copied and pasted, thats why its a little too spaced out. Overall, is it good for an 11 year old?
PS Twilight girl, please don’t answer because you aren’t very nice and I don’t want you insulting me for no reason.
Thank you!!!!!
Best answer:
Answer by angelik
I think it’s really good; if you hadn’t mentioned your age, I would have assumed you were older than 11. I really like it, I like the way you write, I like the storyline, I think it’s very good.
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It’s easier to read this way. And by the way I wasn’t complaining about it not being in paragraphs. I was giving constructive criticism.
That was pretty good,but id change trixie’s name.something about the name trixie just seems sort of plain.im 12 and write 2,i think ur doing great 4 a 11 year old.keep on writing it and make sure it isnt too short or long.
As you said, you copied and pasted it so it is quite spaced out, perhaps it would look a bit better on a word document, but anyway.
The story is very good! Not just for an 11 year old, for anyone. Im 13 and i would’ve thought you were about my age, so yes, its very good! Where do you get your inspiration from? I always have trouble thinking of ideas for stories, but you’ve done really well. I would love to hear the next chapters! Ellie x
Thanks for the better format. I like the plot so far, but your sentence structure bugs me to no end. Try different sentence lengths. It’ll give your story a nice flow and I won’t feel like I’m reading a laundry list of adjectives and nouns. Think about it this way; longer sentences are for suspenseful moments and short, staccato sentences are for action sequences. You don’t want “A blonde human girl walked in, and I screamed”. Try, “A blonde human girl walked through the door to the room I was standing in. I screamed.” Emphasize the dramatic moments. Keep writing! I like what you have so far. You are incredibly talented and precocious.
I liked the twist at the end. It seems like a very cute story. However, the description of the rooms was a little too long and redundant. There should be a paragraph break between your description of the boy’s room and the girl’s room.
Try not to use the cliche “ruby red”. Instead, use a more unique and inventive descriptive word.
There are a few grammatical errors, but those can be easily changed. I’m assuming this is your rough draft. Keep writing and good luck! =) I look forward to the next chapter.
That’s really good, especially for an eleven year old! I wouldn’t have thought you were that young by the way you write. I think it was really good, definitely something I would want to read.
The only small thing I would change is at the beginning when you say in parentheses that they are fairies. If you didn’t say that, just said that they are 4 inches tall and have wings, you can pretty much guess that they are fairies. It makes it seem more like the story is happening to the main character instead of the main character telling the story to the readers. Hope this helps! 
Hey nice one dear, thing is there is somethig missing in it. When u r opening a story make it charming, so this charm wont leave til someone finishes the book. The characters r flyin to a place, so start this like how they feel while flying like …cool breez thro them, chill air rushing thro their face n all(u r a writer now, u make things). then suddenly an unexpected adventure from a charming opening wud catch people.
U hav the best pen use it well!